If I had known I was spending the day at the mothership, I would have made dinner plans with @dmfarris

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You don't even have to open a single one of these emails to know that you're screwed

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Hooray for the customer service desk in the clean toilet club

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The more you have to pee, the longer the jetway

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This has worked out pretty well so far.

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Today's travel tip:there's never really anyone in group 2, so when a reasonable amount of group 1 people have gone in, just slide on through

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Invisible police dogs

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Stealthy #3!

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Looks like the answer is two. 😢

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Checked in super early for my flight because I know the cruise traffic fouls the process. Now, how many bowls of candy crusted garbage-o's can I eat before the warden takes them away?

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Interesting collection of books. #unexpected

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I kinda miss my big, stupid, lowered suburban, except for when I'm not buying gasoline for my electric car.

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Real talk

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I don't mess with paid services, but @brook_dorsch got me to dust off my Spotify account for this. I believe I downloaded it all to my phone for free, let's find out as I fly to Alaska today. #theonlybandthatmatters

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That is posh, but I need sleep

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Youf handprints on my windshield

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The artist in his natural habitat. @onajide

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How many Art nerds does it take?

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Omfg roasted veggie bowl, with bacon, natch.

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Starving art nerds are starving because of their insane focus.

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Bam!

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When you make the responsible decision to dick around and the shuffle actually plays a good mix. Now I don't want to get out of the car.

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Who plays the traffic game at 1:30 pm?

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When you know responsibility is not winning today. I'll be grown-up tomorrow.

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Dedicating this to an ex-social-media 'friend' who liked to point out that I'm white when I post things like this. WTF does that have to do with trying to see someone else's point of view?

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'Last year's model' at The Mitty with @hsrrace Needs moar wing.

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This not on your radio? You're doing it wrong. Also, why can't I tag @johnwmrichards?

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What's worse? That your 6th grader already believes violence is the only solution, or that he needs to use this in a school shooting situation?

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Who's the most worthless piece of shit in this photo? #tooclosetocall #3waytie

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Any thoughts on the quantity of Buddhas (Buddhai?) in the Messican restaurant?

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Why is it that the green salsa that is so hot with chips is so great on enchiladas? Science ppl?

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Yes, I am stoked for the Muppets @tinydesk to drop, but it should have been Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

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I would like to inflate my tyres in such a luxurious manner.

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I've suspected that I touched the fence before, but when you see the leaves shake, there's no doubt.

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Lol

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This took longer than I expected, but finally making some progress. #sdr #tpms

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Who wants to bet that the check engine light is on? #verbotentdi

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Reefers

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How to fix banking problems: call help desk, problem doesn't repeat.

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Who the hell do you think you are, Bob?

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You know it's going to be a great day when your company bank rejects the routing number of your personal account when you try to do payroll.

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This week's infatuation

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Been in my shower for almost 2 weeks now. Today, he (she?) started making a web. Am I about to be trapped?

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